NFL Week 1 picks Panthers pound Broncos Cardinals crush Patriots

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After seven months of waiting, my NFL picks have finally returned. 2016 NFL preview Now, if you're like me, you probably spent the past seven months watching Nicolas Cage movies while trying out recipes from 's $200 cookbook. If that's not what you did, then you mi sed out big time because nothing beats watching "Face/Off" while ice cream. And, no, my summer wasn't completely lame. I also tried out Blue Apron, a food delivery service, but that didn't end so well. I had to quit after one day because they wouldn't deliver Brady-approved recipes. If you're not going to deliver Brady-approved recipes, then you shouldn't even bother delivering food, and I bet Ben Affleck agrees with me, because that guy loves Brady. If you somehow mi sed Affleck's rant about Deflategate back in June, then you need to because that was easily the best interview I watched all summer that didn't involve Nicolas Cage. Affleck dropped 18 F-bombs and basically called Roger Goodell a liar, which wasn't a complete surprise, because Affleck is a fan and Patriots fans feel the same way about Goodell as police in Brazil feel about Ryan Lochte. The Goodell signs at Patriots' training camp were brutal.A photo posted by Scott Kean (@keanlegend) on Jul 28, 2016 at 5:35am PDT I mean, OUCH. If you spent any time at all in college, then you know that there's no worse insult than being accused of being a Smirnoff Ice drinker. So this guy is really taking it to Goodell. Anyway, now seems like a good time to get to my picks. You guys read on, and I'm going to grab that six-pack of Smirnoff Ice that's in Jabrill Peppers Jersey my refrigerator because it's not going to drink itself. Actually, before we get to my picks, here's a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every . I don't think any of them drink Smirnoff Ice, which means their picks are probably slightly more coherent than mine, so you should probably click over. I won't be insulted. Now let's get to the picks. Week 1 Picks at , 8:30 p.m. ET (Thursday, NBC): Before we get to my pick in the NFL opener, I feel obligated to mention the fact that I picked the Broncos to win when these two teams met in Super Bowl 50. I'm only pointing this out because I'm one-for-one picking Broncos-Panthers games, so we can probably all just a sume I'm going to go two-for-two. The Broncos are playing at home and still have the best defense in football, which sounds like two good reasons to pick them to win. On the other hand, they're starting a quarterback who's only played one career NFL snap in his life and that snap was a kneel down that went for a three-yard lo s.Trevor Siemian wins Broncos job despite only one regular season snap, a 2015 Week 15 kneel down. What a story. Andrew Siciliano (@AndrewSiciliano) I know what you're thinking, "Kneel-downs are supposed to go for lo ses, it's not 's fault." My response to that is that Siemian should've audibled out of that kneel Channing Stribling Jersey -down and thrown a 79-yard touchdown pa s. That's what would've done in his prime. As for the pick, I want to take the Panthers in a blowout here, but I'm not sure it's po sible to score enough points against Denver's defense to blow the Broncos out. Also, the Broncos are 15-1 in , so predicting a blowout probably isn't the right way to go here. The pick: Panthers 20-13 over Broncos at , 1 p.m. ET (CBS): In case you haven't noticed, the NFL schedule maker tries to one-up himself every year by making the Bengals' regular season opener more difficult than the year before. Last year, the Bengals were one of only two teams -- along with the -- who had to play their season opener three time zones away. This year, the Bengals get to play the Jets in New York on the 15th anniversary of 9/11, which almost automatically gives the Jets the emotional edge. However, let's not discount the Harambe factor, which I'm only bringing up because, apparently, everyone in Cincinnati wants the Bengals to change their name to honor the deceased gorilla. Um, apparently, almost 20,000 people want the Bengals to change their name John Breech (@johnbreech) Almost 24,000 people have signed a petition asking the team to change its name to the Harambes. I'll be honest, that has a zero percent chance of happening, which ironically, is about the same chance that I'm giving the Jets in this game. If you've been reading my picks over the past three years, then you're already well aware that there's a zero percent chance I'm going to pick against in a 1 p.m. Sunday non-playoff game. I mean, think about it: Are you going to take "Daytime Dalton" in this game or are you going to pick the team that's starting a quarterback who mi sed three months of offseason workouts because the team thought he was so bad that they didn't even want to give him a one-year, $12 million contract, which they only ended up giving him because they had zero other viable options? And, sorry, but , and do not count as viable options. I'll go with Dalton. The pick: Bengals 23-20 over Jets at , 1 p.m. ET (Fox): I only have one rule when it comes to picking NFL games, and it's a pretty simple rule: Never pick a team to win if they're being quarterbacked by a guy who once locked himself in .Just got locked in a bathroom at a NJ gas station. Praise the Lord for the attendants w/ the garden shears & the other guy w/ the leg kick.. Carson Wentz (@cj_wentz) Not even managed to do that during his NFL career and he seemed to spend a lot of time in bathrooms.me & Johnny Manziel are bathroom buddies Psyduck (@blindeddie_) By De'Veon Smith Jersey the way, I would promise to keep the Manziel references to a minimum this year, but I get paid a 50 percent bonus every time I mention his name, and that adds up quickly. Also, in case you're wondering, I do spend all my Manziel bonus money on discounted Manziel jerseys. Get your limited edition Johnny Manziel Jersey on sale. . MARVEL (@lowkie83) I will literally buy anything that costs $1.99. That's why my pantry is full of taco shells that I'll likely never use. As for Manziel's jerseys, laugh at me now, but when he comes back to the NFL in four years, I'm going to mark these bad boys up 600 percent and make a ridiculous profit. Anyway Kenny Allen Jersey , I should probably get back on topic here. Although I hate the idea of picking the Browns to win, I have no clue how the Eagles are going to score points on Sunday. Not only is Wentz making his first career start, but he literally didn't take any reps with the Eagles' first team through all of training camp and each of Philly's preseason games. What Doug Pederson is doing to Wentz is the equivalent of putting a 2-year-ols on a bike for the first time with no training wheels. If you've ever put a 2-year-old on a bike with no training wheels, then you already know how this is going to turn out. The pick: Browns 27-23 over Eagles. at , 4:25 p.m. ET (Fox): I don't usually rank NFL offseasons, but if I had to do it this year, I'd say that the Cowboys had the worst one in history. Not only did they lose , but their defense also took a big hit. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure they're going to have this year after losing , and to suspension. On the plus side for Dallas, the Giants haven't really been fielding a defense lately, either. In 2015, New York ranked dead last in the NFL in total defense. Basically, I think what I'm trying to say is that there's going to be zero defense in this game, which is kind of par for the course when these two teams meet for an opener. The game on Sunday will mark the fourth time in five years that the Giants and Cowboys have opened the regular season against each other, with the Cowboys holding a 3-0 series lead. I want to pick Dallas here, but based on their offseason, the football gods clearly hate them right now, which means there's no way they're going to let the Cowboys win. And yes, I believe in the football gods, because how else do you explain this guy's floating head? Our photographer captured one of the strangest pictures you'll see all year via Michael Hogue (@MichaelHogueDMN) That picture was taken in Texas. The Giants-Cowboys game is in Texas. #Illuminati #StayWoke The pick: Giants 34-31 over Cowboys. New England Patriots at , 8:30 p.m. ET (NBC): Every time I underestimate the Patriots and pick them to lose in prime-time, Bill Belichick rubs it in my face. I don't have the actual numbers in front of me, but I'm pretty sure that anytime I've ever picked the Patriots to lose a prime-time game Charles Woodson Jersey over the past three years, they've ended up winning. I kind of really want to pick the Patriots in this game, but I have no idea how they're going to score with starting his first NFL game ever, on the road, against a team that's 19-5 at home over the past three years. The game in Arizona will easily be the most difficult game the Patriots play while Tom Brady's out. If New England wins on Sunday night with Garoppolo at quarterback, then I'm just going to pencil them in for the Super Bowl and we can just go ahead and give the Coach of the Year award to Belichick. On the other hand, if they lose, it might be time to call Dom Grady.Patriots announce Dom Grady will start in place of suspended Tom Brady for the first 4 games of the season. Keith Fortier (@Phorts) The pick: Cardinals 27-17 over Patriots. Week 1 picks: All the rest 24-20 over 27-24 over 17-13 over 28-24 over 24-21 over 30-20 over 24-17 over 27-13 over Lions 27-24 over 34-27 over 49ers 20-17 over Last Week Best pick: Since there weren't any regular season games played last week, I gue s I should probably just use this space to point out my best pick from 2015. Before last season started, I picked the Broncos to win the Super Bowl and then the Broncos went on to win the Super Bowl.Good news here is that I can now move to Barbados John Breech (@johnbreech) There's a good chance I'll probably bring this up at least three times per week for the next 17 weeks. Actually, no I won't, because then I'll Desmond Howard Jersey feel like I'm rubbing Carolina's lo s into their fans' faces, and then I'll feel bad. Although, if the picture below is any indication, Panthers fans seem to be over the Super Bowl lo s.A photo posted by Christine Proffitt (@xtine_proffitt) on May 21, 2016 at 10:38am PDT Worst pick: Although I'll have plenty of "worst picks" for this section starting next week, I have nothing for this week, so I'm just going to tell you about my worst decision of the summer, and no, it has nothing to with the fact that I watched 174 straight hours of Nicolas Cage movies. My worst decision of the summer was not buying season tickets in the Jaguars pool area.Yeah.... It's pretty much December but this is our game yesterday... Pool Booty (@jagspoolbooty) Whatever those tickets cost, they're worth it. Every NFL stadium should have a pool. Even Green Bay, and I don't care if that means season-ticket holders have to ice skate on it for half the season. By the way, since I mentioned Jaguars fans, I'm contractually bound to include the video below.Local Jaguars fan speaks out about the Jaguars draft picks. Do you think the Jaguars will this year? News4JAX (@wjxt4) Good luck with your picks this year, and let's all hope I don't fall flat on my face. Final 2015 regular season record Straight up: 152-104 Against the spread: 126-130 Final 2014 regular season record Straight up: 164-91-1 Against the spread: 125-131 Final 2013 regular season record Straight up: 165-90-1 Against the spread: 124-132
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